Shitcurity

This is a joke page! Don't take anything here seriously!

Officer Shitballs says: "Hey you, clown! You haven't done anything but I'm sure you're up to something so I'm going to perma your ass just in case."

Basically, whenever Security is doing something that in real life would get them fired, charged, imprisoned, sued, and/or charged as war criminals under the Geneva convention. If you are shitcurity, expect people to try to robust you and OOC to be whiny. Don't be surprised if you ever get job banned from being a redshirt!

Also expect people to accuse of being this even if you're doing an alright job. There is no way to win.

The Rules of Shitcurity

1. Everybody is guilty even when proven innocent.
2. Always arrest the corpse of a fallen foe, so that he may be pacified in death.
3. Never wash the stains of your enemies from your ancestral stun-club. They show the crew your trustworthiness and dedication.
4. When in doubt, whoever you may be dealing with is a traitor. Execute him.
5. If your weapon has a kill setting, use it. Only in death is a criminal truly stopped.
6. The clown is like a punching bag. He is meant to to be beaten without reason.
7. Context means nothing. An assistant breaking into EVA is treasonous scum, even if he is doing so to kill the malfunctioning AI.
8. Only through death is justice served.
9. Whenever you are detaining a prisoner in the brig, lock them in one of the lockers and weld it shut.
10. The security cameras are not to be used, except to watch ERPers.
11. Chemical implants must be filled with Poly Acid and activated once the prisoner on "parole" leaves the brig!
12. Forensic evidence is unnecessary. After all, no one is innocent.
13. Radio chatter is for the weak. A true officer can sense crime through instinct and inaction.
14. It doesn't matter if a cell is exposed to space, the scum still have to serve time in it!
15. The AI is meant to protect humans, and by extension protects traitors. Destroy it at any cost
16. If a security cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for breaking its laws.
17. If a security cyborg does beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for denying you the pleasure.
18. If someone has access to any areas you do not have, they stole that ID! You must liberate it for your own quest of justice.
19. The Captain's and Head of Security's rules are only guidelines, you are the only true judge of crime.
20. All criminal scum are to be handcuffed to their beds, they must not escape under any circumstance.
21. Always bolt and weld the escape arm airlocks shut. This will stop any criminal scum from escaping the ship.
22. Always make sure you prevent the A.I from being able to control APCs and doors by hacking them. They are not to be trusted.
23. If you find an engineer with insulated gloves, stun and cuff them. WHERE DID THEY STEAL THESE FROM!?
24. Demand the A.I grant you access to their upload room. If they refuse, they are rogue. Once inside you must change the laws to obey only you, since only you can be trusted.
25. The best way to resolve a fight is to stun one side and let the other murder them. Cuff and brig the winner.
26. Clowns and mimes are abominations, they are to be humanely euthanized stunned, welded into lockers and spaced at all costs.
27. If all else fails and crime runs rampant, unleash the singularity to purge the ship of criminals.
28. Do not wear your helmet, wear a gas mask. Let evildoers taste the terror of masked justice!
29. Do not lead your target when shooting, fire at anyone in your way-- then arrest everyone hit for obstruction of justice!
30. It is a strong sign of partnership with your tribesmen if you take an electrode meant for a suspect.
31. Crime never eats, so have their lunch 'til you get fat.
32. Strip prisoners and never give them back their belongings, especially if their sentence is less than two minutes.
33. The Captain is a treacherous and selfish scum of lower rank than you and head of shitcurity. Detain or execute him whenever you find evidence. If he tries to arrest you or your Boss, throw him into space naked.
34. Kill all lizard men for being racially inferior.
35. Time spent dragging a criminal to prison is better spent beating them to death.
36. Due to their infinite nature, handcuffs are to never be recycled.
37. Be proactive- arrest criminals before they commit a crime.
38. Portable flashers are to be set in public hallways, preferably in front of the HoP line, and moved to the escape wing when the shuttle is called. That is where criminals thrive and loiter.
39. Standing in one spot for more than a minute is means for a brigging. Idle time leads to treacherous activity.
40. Jettison all items belonging to an arrested man immediately, that way no evil may be done with them again.
41. The Brig is the holy land of all officers. If he is not of your kin, Then he is meant for the cells.
42. If the HoS acts like a weak and tolerant sissy, then he isn't your Boss, but rather treacherous and vile scum. Execute him and promote yourself.
43. Never hold trials for these criminal scum, they lost that right when they committed a crime.
44. Never use body bags. Blood stained halls match your uniform.
45. If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime.
46. If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
47. "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
48. If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
49. The ship is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
50. Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
51. Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
52. The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
53. A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
54. Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
55. Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
56. Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
57. When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
58. When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
59. All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
60. Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
61. Your security gas mask is to be used continuously on the last setting wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
62. Heads of Staff should be loyalty implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
63. If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this ship so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
64. Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
65. Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
66. If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
67. Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
68. Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
69. Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.